Hati dan Manusia

Looking back on the same date a few years ago, Facebook just kindly reminded me of my abandon notes.
Just realised that, before writing on this blog, I was so into writing notes on my Facebook account. Hahaha
Udah nyinyir dari dulu ternyata wkwk

It surprised me that I am still struggling with more or less the same question,
over and over again, without getting any clear answer yet, until now

Life..
Maybe it is not something to be questioned, but something to get through

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Chocolonely

Akhir-akhir ini ga tau kenapa, I can't help but feeling so sad and down
Berasa pengen nangis setiap hari
Bukan berasa ding, tapi emang hampir tiap hari nangis
Rasanya pengen bikin waktu berhenti, atau skip tahun depan
Ga bersyukur banget ya jadi orang


Makan cokelat 70% chocolonely setengah batang juga ga membantu ningkatin endorfin
Yang ada malah bikin feeling lonely, all alone in the world


“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
― Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy


Pernah ga sih kamu ngerasa sepi yang parah banget sampe rasanya pengen dipeluk, sama siapapun?
Kata orangnya yang imannya lebih kuat, mungkin, sebabnya kerna lagi jauh sama Allah aja
Ya..it could be
Sholat juga sekedar sholat, akhir-akhir ini
Astaghfirullah..
Ntah lah, ya Allah, Zia lelah


Apa semua orang pasti ada di titik krisis kayak gini ya?
Ada yang bilang quarter life crisis
Mungkin itu core nya, tapi banyak hal lain yang jadi bumbunya
Terutama pms sih
Kenapa cwe selalu nyalahin pms
Ya mo gimana lagi, hormon ga bakal bohong sih

But I wish I can be with you and talk about all these random things in life all day all night

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Dirgahayu 72

“I think we’ve been through a period where too many people have been given to understand that if they have a problem, it’s the government’s job to cope with it. ‘I have a problem, I’ll get a grant.’ ‘I’m homeless, the government must house me.’ They’re casting their problem on society. And, you know, there is no such thing as society. There are individual men and women, and there are families. And no government can do anything except through people, and people must look to themselves first. It’s our duty to look after ourselves and then, also to look after our neighbour. People have got the entitlements too much in mind, without the obligations. There’s no such thing as an entitlement unless someone has first met an obligation.” – Margaret Thatcher.

Side note:
On the independence day of Indonesia in 2018,
I'm writing the abstract of my thesis, editing the power point for the final presentation and revising the whole thesis
I believe it is not slavery by science,
but the freedom to shape your own future and be responsible for your own goal and choices you made in the past

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Standard Brain Deviation

I think I'm going crazy


Which one is actually bigger?
The space of mind or the space of heart?
Or should I use volume instead of space?
But using three dimensions variables doesn't seem right


Now I understand how devastating being under stress and depression over a long time period is
It is understandable how years of period could lead to deviations in mental health


What exactly is happening in your brain when this kind of situation occurs?
Should I search in google?
No, I don't think I have enough energy to read it
No, I do have energy but not enough to maintain a short period of understanding medical text about synapses and hormone and everything
No, maybe I actually kind of aware what could be happening
Or it's just my assumption?
That I know
Many times, I could not rely on my memory


I don't even know why I'm talking about all of this


And this proves that I'm going crazy
Ability to talk shi*ty things
I mean, unimportant things
Sorry


If later on I come back to this post and found out that my assumption is not proven,
then I can just learn that I was, once, in the state of almost giving up on my healthy state of mind, and heart


Annyeong

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Antara Cinta dan Komitmen

Kenapa ya, seharian ini bawaannya melo
yaelah, melo mulu ih
Tambah dengerin lagunya Suga - So Far Away yang cover baru
Huft


Mungkin karena cuaca lagi mendukung banget
Tadi pagi pas bangun emang dingin banget
Trus tidur lagi kan abis subuh,
ngantuk banget gegara kasus gaje semalem yang bikin tidur kemaleman
Pas bangun lagi di luar udah basah gitu, abis ujan dan masih gerimis
Sendirian pula di kamar, yaudah lah makin makin
Pengen nelepon rumah, tapi lagi pada jalan2 ke Simarjarunjung
Jalan2 mulu mereka, abis mudik kemaren, pada ke Sibolga
Maen di pantai
Trus tadi pada maen ke gunung, lihat Danau Toba dari atas
Jalan2 wajib setiap lebaran
Sedih ga sih cuma bisa lihat doang dari sini, hiks


Kangen orang, tapi orangnya ga kangen
Pengen ngobrol juga ga bisa
Ngarep ditelepon, tapi chat aja kaga
Yaudah sih, makanya jangan ngarep


Nyoba nesis, tapi kepala isinya uneg2
Ga bisa mulai nulis kalo masih banyak pikiran gini
Jadi yaudah curhat disini aja
Huft


Tadi abis ngobrol sama cewe yang pengen aku lamar aja jadi istri
Tapi ga bisa kerna aku cewe dan kita berdua masih straight
alhamdulillah yha
Satu2nya temen ngobrol rutin almost everyday
Yang bisa ngisi rasa kesepian uwe yang ga jelas ini
Ah, siapa ya cowo beruntung yang bakal dapetin kamu


Doi lagi galau suka sama orang tapi ga mau pacaran atau temenan
Maunya jadi suami aja
Katanya, "Kayaknya aku mulai pengen nikah"
Trus aku speechless


Well, siapa sih yang ga pengen nikah
Ada toh?


Pengen sih nikah, tapi...
Kenapa ya, I always think that marriage is difficult
Malah dulu sempat terlintas untuk stay single for the rest of my life
Yah, pernah sih untuk beberapa waktu sebelumnya merasa yakin udah nemuin 'the one'
Yang kemudian sirna
Ya jodoh siapa yang tau


Tapi serius deh,
kenapa ya makin kesini makin hopeless

Banyak orang yang bilang,
"Menikah itu soal komitmen, bukan cuma soal cinta"

Oke, setuju
Tapi banyak yang mengindikasikan bahwa pernyataan ini berarti
love will fade, so don't use it as the ground of your marriage
Bahwa komitmen adalah pondasi yang lebih kuat dalam membina sebuah keluarga


Yaa...setuju sih
I've witnessed many pieces of evidence that this statement is true
That love will definitely fade away
Even worse
It changes


Tapi ntah kenapa,
deep down in my heart
I'm still hoping to find 'the one' who can love me for the rest of his life
I mean, 'the one' who has the same perspective as me,
to maintain our love for the rest of our life
Someone who will stay beside me not only because of commitment
Because staying with someone who based his company on only commitment is the least I want in my life


But I also know that it's kind of impossible
Or maybe I just haven't found the one
Or, maybe there is noone as naive as me out there,
who adores love in another level


Apalagi,
akhir-akhir ini aku mulai sadar,
bahwa masing-masing orang mencintai dengan cara yang berbeda
Berbahagialah pasangan yang memiliki frekuensi sama dalam mengekspresikan rasa cintanya


Atau mungkin, frekuensi yang sama akan terbentuk after spending times together?
Atau mungkin, you don't have to be in the same frequency?
that this is where we use the term: 'to understand each other'?
Mungkin kegagalan dalam hal ini yang banyak membuat 'gagal'nya pernikahan orang-orang?
When they realized that they made the wrong decision
Maybe it's not wrong, it's just that they failed in achieving this state
Some decided to find another 'love', hoping that he/she is in a closer 'frequency'
While the other try to use 'commitment' to stay together


Or maybe I underestimate the meaning of commitment?
Maybe commitment is more than just commitment?
Maybe, you can only committed to someone if you love him/her?
If that's the case, that's even more perfect!
Tapi emang ada ya?
Sejauh ini belum nemu contoh nyata secara langsung


Mungkin jawaban dari semua ini baru bakal ditemukan ketika aku udah ada di dalamnya
Tapi tetap aja sih belum terjawab
Baru bakal terjawab dipenghujung hidup, sepertinya


That's why I thought that marriage is difficult
because there are so many uncertainties in it
Or maybe, once again,
I haven't found the right one
Ya gimana sih caranya kamu tau kalo seseorang itu orang yang tepat?
Orang yang ditakdirkan buat kamu dunia akhirat?


Pusing amat ya,
Beginilah mungkin kalo orang level keimanan nya masih lemah dan ga stabil
Padahal semua pertanyaan tadi bisa dijawab dengan berserah diri sama Allah
Hidup itu ga ribet, kita aja yang bikin ribet
Kenapa ga rela berserah diri ke Allah?
Kerna merasa jadi makhluk lemah yang ga bisa apa-apa?
Ya emang kenyataannya lemah!
Berserah diri itu kan bukan berarti ga ngelakuin apa-apa
Ada yang namanya ikhtiar


Tapi trus tetep aja ujung-ujungnya,
apapun hasilnya ya ga ada yang tau
Ya tapi kan jangan kerna takut hasilnya ga sesuai harapan,
lantas memilih untuk tidak memulai sama sekali
Lah orang belum ada hasilnya juga
Kenapa berburuk sangka sama Allah?
Sebelum yakin sama siapapun itu yang akan jadi imam hidup kamu nantinya,
Yakin dulu sama Allah sepenuhnya, Zi
Gimana mau nemuin jodoh kalau sama Allah aja masih ga percayaan
Huft

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